Names, surgeries, kids, friendships...everything is changing so much and so fast. I have to remind Will sometimes that I just found out about all of this, and I need a minute to process everything. He's so excited and ready to just move forward; I am too, but more for him than me. He's sleeping better, smiling more, and is so much happier in the last week or so.
Will has chosen what his name is going to be after the change...Gabriella Elise...and wants to be called El or Elli. I love the names he has chosen. I think they fit him really well. He has told a large portion of his friends about how he feels and the change, as well. So far everyone has accepted him with open arms. Everyone has questions about how things are going to work though, especially between he, myself, and our 3 month old daughter, Lyndsey.
We've been looking more into the extent of the process for a trangendered female. HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy), SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery), FFS (Female Feminization Surgery)...there are so many details that I never realized. It's all so scary for me and I'm not even the one going through it all. Besides the surgeries and pills and appointments that he'll have to go through to become a female, there's also the emotional side of it for both of us.
Will has had years to come to terms with this, I on the other hand haven't. I'm still just barely able to wrap my mind around this. I've been dating a male for the last three and a half years, and still will be for a little while. But eventually I'll be with a full fledged female, and will have never changed relationships. It;s difficult for me to wrap my head around all of it. I know I will eventually, but for now I'll just focus on helping Will get this process started, so we can start our new life together.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Revelations
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." -Mother Teresa
I believe that only once in a lifetime you truly find love. Any other time is only lust or friendship. Some may find it early in life; others may not find it till their later years. But everyone knows love when it finds them, there's no doubt.
Almost one week ago I was hit with the most unexpected news someone could receive in a relationship, especially when you have a child together; and no, there was no break up. I was told that my fiance doesn't feel comfortable in his skin. Most of you will probably just say to yourself, "Tell him to lose a few pounds or something." Well, it's not quite that simple.
From day one I knew Will was bisexual, and he knew the same about me. That's one of the reasons we became friends so fast...because we could both look at anybody, say "(S)he's hot," and the other would agree. It was kind of like our inside joke. But as time went on, and our relationship progressed, he would open up to me more and more. He told me things that I would have never guessed. Most of them were little though; he wears girl's socks (which is nice because we just share them now;)), he's a brony(a part of of the group of young adults that watch My Little Ponies for their own enjoyment), he prefers to be completely hairless except his head, etc. Things that you would expect for a female or a child, not a 21 year old man.
With every new thing he told me, it almost made me love him more. I knew he trusted me enough to tell me things that he couldn't tell anybody else. But when we were talking last weekend, I knew he was about to tell me something bigger than he ever had before. After nearly four years of being together and a year of living together, I've come to know his moods well enough.
As our conversation progressed he finally admitted he doesn't feel like he was meant to be a guy. How does someone respond to that?? Especially since we've been dating for so long, how could I have not known this??? I asked him if he wanted it to change and he said "Yeah." One word. No explanation, no nothing. Just, yeah.
As we have continued to talk about his feelings and the process of turning from male to female (known as MtF in the trans world) over the past week. That's actually most of what we have talked about. While this is the last thing I ever expected to go through, I'm realizing very quickly that it's by no means the end of the world. Yes, I have told myself that I would never marry a girl, regardless of being attracted to them. But that really doesn't matter anymore. When you love with the love that we do, you negotiate promises and morals that you never thought you would.
I have found my true love. Yes, I did find it young. Maybe some would call me naive, and others would say I still don't know what love is. I'll see how they feel when we're still together in 5, 10 or 20 years. Maybe then they'll understand what true love really means. Until then, I'll continue to love and support Will through this entire journey, because you just can't put a price on someone's happiness.
I believe that only once in a lifetime you truly find love. Any other time is only lust or friendship. Some may find it early in life; others may not find it till their later years. But everyone knows love when it finds them, there's no doubt.
Almost one week ago I was hit with the most unexpected news someone could receive in a relationship, especially when you have a child together; and no, there was no break up. I was told that my fiance doesn't feel comfortable in his skin. Most of you will probably just say to yourself, "Tell him to lose a few pounds or something." Well, it's not quite that simple.
From day one I knew Will was bisexual, and he knew the same about me. That's one of the reasons we became friends so fast...because we could both look at anybody, say "(S)he's hot," and the other would agree. It was kind of like our inside joke. But as time went on, and our relationship progressed, he would open up to me more and more. He told me things that I would have never guessed. Most of them were little though; he wears girl's socks (which is nice because we just share them now;)), he's a brony(a part of of the group of young adults that watch My Little Ponies for their own enjoyment), he prefers to be completely hairless except his head, etc. Things that you would expect for a female or a child, not a 21 year old man.
With every new thing he told me, it almost made me love him more. I knew he trusted me enough to tell me things that he couldn't tell anybody else. But when we were talking last weekend, I knew he was about to tell me something bigger than he ever had before. After nearly four years of being together and a year of living together, I've come to know his moods well enough.
As our conversation progressed he finally admitted he doesn't feel like he was meant to be a guy. How does someone respond to that?? Especially since we've been dating for so long, how could I have not known this??? I asked him if he wanted it to change and he said "Yeah." One word. No explanation, no nothing. Just, yeah.
As we have continued to talk about his feelings and the process of turning from male to female (known as MtF in the trans world) over the past week. That's actually most of what we have talked about. While this is the last thing I ever expected to go through, I'm realizing very quickly that it's by no means the end of the world. Yes, I have told myself that I would never marry a girl, regardless of being attracted to them. But that really doesn't matter anymore. When you love with the love that we do, you negotiate promises and morals that you never thought you would.
I have found my true love. Yes, I did find it young. Maybe some would call me naive, and others would say I still don't know what love is. I'll see how they feel when we're still together in 5, 10 or 20 years. Maybe then they'll understand what true love really means. Until then, I'll continue to love and support Will through this entire journey, because you just can't put a price on someone's happiness.
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